Chapter 26

Relationships

A Strong Relationship

True love is more than a feeling; it is a daily choice to care for someone else’s well-being just as much as your own, showing up even when you are tired or stressed. You have to anchor that love in deep respect, which means honouring her boundaries, valuing her opinions, and never tearing her down, even when you are angry.

On top of respect, you build trust and honesty. Trust isn’t won with grand gestures; it is built on small promises kept over and over until she knows she can rely on you when life gets messy. To keep that trust alive, you must be transparent—be straight with her always, even when the truth is uncomfortable, leaving no hidden rooms so she never has to guess where she stands.

None of this works without open communication. That means listening to understand her heart, not just waiting for your turn to talk, and always remembering that when a conflict arises, it is the two of you against the problem, never you against each other. Finally, never let the warmth fade. Pour out your affection through the little things— a gentle touch, a reassuring word, a warm hello—so she never has to wonder if she is special to you. That constant care paves the way for true intimacy, which is the emotional vulnerability of letting her see your fears, creating a safe harbour where you are both completely known and completely accepted just as you are. You will always know you are in love when you can no longer bear to be apart.

Keep in mind that a loving relationship exists between two people and is particular to them alone. Do not assume that the relationships you grew up observing provide a perfect model. Think for yourself and build something better where necessary.

Building a Life Together

Before choosing a life partner, look at her true priorities. If her deepest loyalty belongs to her career, her parents, money, having a child, or something else, the relationship will struggle. A partnership only works when both people prioritise the team they are building together. Ask yourself whether she is ready to put your shared life first. If she is highly dependent on her family, consider whether her parents are genuinely supportive and ready to let her go. For a relationship or marriage to succeed, your partner must commit fully to your team, and her inner circle must support that alliance—not compete with it. Being a team player requires commitment and total dedication, so if she has commitments to another team or her primary loyalties are elsewhere, there is a problem. While everyone can have different commitments, their primary dedication must belong to building a shared life together.

Traditional Leadership

Traditionally, men were expected to lead, provide for and protect their families, while women took greater responsibility for the home, raising children, caring for the family and providing emotional support. And despite modern-day arguments to the contrary, there is nothing inherently wrong with a traditional relationship in which a man takes the leading role. The problem is that people misunderstand what leadership actually means in a relationship. It is not domination, control, or simply getting your own way. Leadership carries responsibility. If you expect authority, you must be prepared to carry the weight that justifies it.

Crucially, a traditional relationship cannot simply be imposed upon another person. It works only when both people genuinely want that arrangement and see value in the different but complementary roles they bring to the relationship. Choose a woman who is comfortable with you taking the lead and who wants to support you in doing so. In return, respect and value the contribution she makes. A relationship in which one person continually fights the role expected of them will eventually become a battleground. You cannot lead effectively if your partner is constantly fighting against the very arrangement you have both agreed upon.

But understand that relationships have changed. The old idea that a man should automatically be the breadwinner, protector, and unquestioned head of the household no longer reflects how many couples choose to live. If you enter a relationship expecting a woman to accept your authority simply because you are a man, you are likely to be disappointed. Many women today want a relationship in which both partners have an equal say, rather than one in which the man is in charge. They are often well educated, financially independent, and perfectly capable of looking after themselves. Naturally, they may resist being told what to do, particularly if they see it as an attempt to control them. It makes little sense for a man to enter a modern relationship assuming that traditional authority automatically belongs to him simply because he is a man. If you choose a strongly independent and self-reliant woman, you must recognise that she may neither need nor want the traditional provider-and-protector relationship you have in mind.

That does not mean the traditional role of provider, protector, and leader has disappeared, or that it cannot work today. It certainly can, provided you find a woman who wants that kind of relationship. The important thing is that you both agree on your roles and share the same values. You cannot expect to control somebody or demand that she accepts your authority. Nor should you choose a woman who wants a very different kind of relationship and then expect her to change to suit you. Find someone who genuinely wants the same arrangement that you do.

There is also an important distinction between leadership and hierarchy. Good leadership does not require a woman to be weak, incapable, or without a voice. Nor should disagreement automatically be regarded as disrespect. A strong woman can challenge you, advise you, and disagree with you while still respecting your judgement and your role within the relationship. If you are going to lead, have enough confidence to listen.

Traditional roles can therefore still work perfectly well in a modern relationship, but only when they are freely chosen. If you want to provide, protect, and lead, choose a woman who genuinely values those qualities and prefers a complementary relationship. She may be perfectly capable of looking after herself and living independently, but still prefer a traditional relationship with you. What matters is not whether she can stand alone, but what the two of you choose to build together. A woman who wants that kind of relationship will respect and support your leadership, and you should value the trust, support, and companionship she gives you in return.

Keep in mind that you can’t just call yourself a protector and provider—you actually have to step up and do it. You cannot expect to be respected as the leader of your family if you are unwilling or unable to fulfil the responsibilities that come with it. Leadership has to be earned through judgement, reliability, competence, sacrifice, and the willingness to take responsibility when things go wrong.

Be equally careful about a relationship in which you are expected to fulfil all the traditional responsibilities of a man, but your partner refuses to accept any corresponding responsibilities of her own or resents your leadership. That is not a fair arrangement. If you are expected to provide, protect and take responsibility for the family, it is reasonable to expect your partner to contribute in her own way. In a traditional relationship, that might mean taking greater responsibility for running the home, organising family life, caring for the children, maintaining a happy and peaceful home, and offering emotional support. Both of you have responsibilities, even if those responsibilities are different. If she expects you to fulfil your role but is unwilling to fulfil hers, you are probably not suited to one another. The answer is not to force the relationship into the shape you want; it is to recognise the incompatibility.

You should also understand that young men today face some difficulties that their fathers did not. The cost of living, buying a home and earning enough to support a family can make it much harder to fulfil the traditional role of provider and protector. These are real difficulties, and there is no point pretending otherwise. But complaining about them will not make them disappear. Concentrate on what you can do, work hard and keep moving forward. Do not make a habit of portraying yourself as a victim in order to attract attention or sympathy, or to excuse yourself from the responsibilities that come with being a man.

Ultimately, do not become trapped by either traditional or modern ideology. Decide what kind of relationship makes sense to you, be clear about it, and choose somebody who genuinely wants the same thing. Talk openly about what you both expect from one another. The strongest relationship is not necessarily the most traditional or the most modern. It is one in which both people understand the arrangement, willingly contribute to it, respect one another, and are pulling in the same direction. Every relationship is unique to the two people in it, so build a relationship that works for both of you, rather than trying to make it fit somebody else’s idea of how you should live.

But what if you meet a woman you genuinely love who does not want a traditional relationship? Do not assume that the relationship cannot work, and do not try to change her. Talk openly about what each of you wants and what you are both prepared to accept. You may find that you can compromise and build a different kind of relationship that makes you both happy. There is nothing wrong with sharing responsibilities, making decisions together or allowing her to take the lead in some areas. But be equally honest with yourself. If having a traditional relationship is something you genuinely believe in and are unwilling to give up, do not abandon your principles simply to keep a woman. Nor should you expect her to abandon hers for you. Sometimes two people can love one another and still want fundamentally different things from life. If neither of you can accept the other’s expectations, it is better to recognise that incompatibility than to spend years fighting over it.

Stability and Reliability

There is a traditional expectation that men should never cry or display emotional instability. In a relationship, it’s important to provide a sense of emotional stability and strength for your partner. While men do not need to hide all feelings, they should manage how they express them during difficult times. This concept is not about acting tough or macho; it is about mastering emotional expression to remain a reliable anchor. In a relationship, a woman instinctively seeks stability, emotional safety, and reliability. If you react to stress with volatility, panic, or visible despair, it signals that you cannot handle the weight of the situation, forcing her to carry the emotional burden for both of you.

Remain Yourself

Always protect your independence and stay true to who you are, no matter how much you care about someone. Become your own man rather than living as an extension of somebody else. A partner should add to your life, not become your entire identity. Relationships require compromise, but never allow a woman to control you, dictate your plans or change your character simply to please her. A good relationship should allow both of you to remain yourselves and build a happy life together.

Be your own man, not a woman’s puppet. Do not constantly give in to what she wants, go only where she wants to go or sacrifice your own preferences simply to keep her happy. A relationship built on people-pleasing will eventually become unbalanced. Compromise is important, but it must work both ways. A woman who genuinely respects and trusts you should have no desire to control you. And if you continually surrender your independence and values to please her, you risk losing both her respect and your own. A man who has his own values, ambitions and direction in life is generally more attractive and commands more respect than one who abandons himself to please somebody else.

Set boundaries about where you go, what you do and who you spend time with. Never feel obliged to attend social occasions or mix with people who make you uncomfortable simply to please your partner. Trust your instincts and be yourself. If a woman deliberately humiliates, belittles or emasculates you, take it seriously. A loving couple should correct one another privately and stand up for one another in public, but repeated contempt and disrespect will eventually destroy both the relationship and your self-respect.

Choose a woman who respects what you have worked hard to achieve and supports your ambitions, rather than somebody who undermines or destroys them. As you build a life together, never neglect or sacrifice what you have worked so hard to build independently.

When to Leave

Staying in a suffocating relationship just for companionship, sex or convenience is a mistake. If a relationship consistently holds you back, undermines your values or requires you to become somebody you are not, have the courage to leave.

Every relationship has its difficulties, and you should not walk away simply because things become uncomfortable or you have a disagreement. But there is a difference between somebody making a mistake and showing you who they really are. If your partner repeatedly treats you with contempt, tries to control you or deliberately undermines what matters to you, do not keep making excuses for her.

Talk about the problem and give the relationship a reasonable opportunity to improve, provided it is safe to do so. But if nothing changes, accept that you may simply be wrong for one another. Do not remain in an unhappy or destructive relationship because you are afraid of being alone, reluctant to start again or unwilling to admit that you chose the wrong person. Sometimes leaving is the most sensible and courageous thing you can do.

Your Partner’s Family

When you are in a committed relationship with a woman, her family becomes part of your life too. Be kind and respectful when you meet your partner’s family. Hope for support from them in return, while keeping your primary focus on the partnership you and your significant other are building together.

If you find yourself dealing with a family dynamic rooted in disrespect, interference, control, or manipulation, you need to keep your wits about you. It usually starts small. You’ll notice a passive-aggressive comment disguised as a joke, a dismissive glance, or an uninvited critique of how you two live your life. But don’t brush it off. Over time, those little comments solidify into a pattern of blatant disrespect, where your boundaries are treated as obstacles for them to bypass rather than limits to be honoured.

You need to understand that the undercurrent of this behaviour is almost always control. A manipulative family doesn’t see your partner as an independent adult; they see her as an extension of their own will. They expect absolute compliance, and they will view your presence— and your support—as a threat to their authority. When you stand up for your shared life and refuse to conform, the manipulation tactics will shift into high gear. They will use guilt-trips, emotional blackmail, and gaslighting to make you feel like you are the problem. If you hold your ground, they will play the victim, rewriting history to make your healthy boundaries look like malicious attacks.

Surviving this requires you and your partner to stand as a fierce, unified front. You cannot let them drive a wedge between you. You also have to accept a hard truth: you cannot change people who view accountability as an insult. Your job is to protect your peace and your relationship, and sometimes, protecting your peace means learning to step away from the chaos. Choosing physical and emotional distance from toxic behaviour isn’t a failure or a sign of weakness—it is an act of self-preservation.

A major red flag occurs when your partner refuses to set boundaries or stand up to their parents’ abusive behaviour. When someone consistently chooses their parents’ approval over your relationship, they are showing you where their loyalties lie, and it is time to walk away.