Chapter 27

Marriage

Marriage and Commitment

Marriage can be one of the most rewarding commitments a man makes, but it is also one of the most serious. I believe modern marriage has become increasingly complicated by financial obligations, legal risks, state interference and expectations that can undermine the very commitment it is supposed to protect. For a man who has worked hard to establish his independence and financial security, marriage is therefore much more than a romantic decision. It can have far-reaching consequences for his savings, property, financial future, relationship with his children and personal freedom. Modern marriage can feel like walking through a minefield, where one wrong step triggers an emotional or financial explosion.

Never marry simply because you are in love, because you feel pressured by convention, or for sentimental reasons. Love matters enormously, but love alone is not enough to sustain a marriage. Before making such a commitment, understand what you are agreeing to, what your legal and financial responsibilities will be, and what you stand to lose if the marriage fails. Do not assume that your commitment will necessarily be matched by your partner’s, however much you may trust her. Marriage should be entered into with your eyes open, not simply your heart.

Choose your wife with great care. Look beyond physical attraction and the excitement of being in love. Consider her character, honesty, loyalty, judgement, and sense of responsibility. Be particularly alert to deception, including dishonesty about contraception or attempts to bring about a pregnancy against your wishes. Such behaviour is a serious betrayal of trust and can have consequences that last a lifetime. A woman who cannot be trusted before marriage is unlikely to become trustworthy simply because you marry her.

I believe a traditional marriage, in which a man takes responsibility for providing, protecting, and leading while his wife takes greater responsibility for the home, children, and family life, can provide an exceptionally strong foundation. But it will only work if both people genuinely want that arrangement, respect one another’s contributions, and share a strong sense of duty. Neither person should expect the benefits of a traditional marriage while refusing to accept the responsibilities that come with their own role.

That does not mean a marriage must be traditional to succeed. You may fall in love with a woman who wants to work, pursue her own ambitions, share financial responsibilities, and make decisions jointly. There is nothing inherently wrong with building a marriage in that way, provided it is what you both genuinely want. What matters is that you agree on how you intend to live, how responsibilities will be shared, how decisions will be made, and what you expect from one another. Do not enter a marriage hoping that your wife will eventually become somebody she has never wanted to be. Equally, do not agree to a way of life that makes you unhappy simply because you are afraid of losing her.

Whatever arrangement you choose, marriage requires more than affection. It requires loyalty, honesty, sacrifice, patience, and a willingness to put the interests of your family ahead of your own when necessary. There will be disagreements, disappointments, and difficult periods. Neither of you should regard marriage as something to abandon whenever life becomes inconvenient. But commitment must work both ways. You cannot build a lasting marriage through the efforts and sacrifices of one person alone.

My advice is not that you should never marry, nor that you must marry. It is that you should understand the risks, choose wisely, and make the decision for the right reasons. If you find a woman whose character you admire, whose values you share, and with whom you can build a life that makes you both happy, marriage may be a wonderful commitment. If you cannot find that, there is nothing wrong with remaining unmarried. And if you are already in a happy relationship, do not assume that marriage is necessary simply because society expects it.

Above all, remember that a good marriage is not defined by a wedding ceremony, a legal document, or whether you follow traditional roles. It is defined by the character of the two people in it, the promises they keep, and the life they build together. Marry because you have found the right woman and genuinely want to share your life with her, not because you believe marriage itself will make the relationship right.

Being a Good Husband

For those young men choosing marriage between a husband and wife, being a good husband means becoming the man your wife can confidently build her life around. Be her rock: a source of stability, strength, and security when the world around you is uncertain.

But never confuse strength with dominance. Real strength is reliability. It is keeping your word, honouring your commitments, and doing what you say you will do. Be consistent in your actions and dependable in your character. Your wife should never have to wonder whether you will be there when she needs you. Let your presence in her life be one of the constants she can always count on.

Do everything you reasonably can to make her feel safe and secure. Work hard, provide for your family, protect her from harm, and take responsibility for the future you are building together. But remember that security is not merely physical or financial. Emotional security matters just as much. She should be able to tell you her fears, worries, and vulnerabilities without being judged, ridiculed, or dismissed.

Listen to her properly. Sometimes she will want your advice; sometimes she will simply want to know that you have heard and understood her. Learn the difference. Talk openly, show affection, and never underestimate the importance of physical warmth. Hold her hand. Put your arms around her. Kiss her for no particular reason. Embrace her without expecting anything in return. Sometimes a simple touch says more clearly than words, “I am here, and you are not alone.”

Guard your marriage with integrity. Be loyal, faithful, and trustworthy. Never give your wife reason to question where your heart lies. Trust takes years to build and moments to destroy, so treat it as something precious. Do not keep score or nurture resentment. When you are wrong, have the humility to admit it and apologise. When she is wrong, have the generosity to forgive. Neither of you will be perfect, and a good marriage cannot survive if every mistake becomes a debt waiting to be repaid.

And never stop courting your wife. One of the easiest mistakes a husband can make is to win the woman he loves and then gradually stop doing the things that made her fall in love with him. Never stop dating her. Never stop noticing her. Pay attention to the small things: a new haircut, a tired expression, something she mentioned in passing, or a quiet wish she never expected you to remember. Tell her she is beautiful. Thank her for the ordinary things she does. Surprise her occasionally for no reason other than that you love her. Celebrate her strengths, encourage her ambitions, and support the things that matter to her.

Life will become busy. There may be work, children, bills, responsibilities, and a thousand mundane tasks demanding your attention. Do not allow them to turn the woman you love into merely another part of the machinery of everyday life. Make sure she continues to know that she is loved, respected, desired, and cherished. Treat her with the same tenderness and consideration after twenty years that you did when you were first trying to win her heart.

Choosing the right woman with whom to share your life is one of the most important decisions you will ever make, and finding her may not be easy. When you find your princess, do not take her for granted. Love her deeply and cherish her without constantly asking what you will receive in return.

Above all, remember that love is not about finding someone and then moulding her into the person you would prefer her to be. Nor should she try to remake you. Real love begins with seeing another person as she truly is—strengths, weaknesses, imperfections and all— and choosing to love her as that person.

Protect her peace. Respect her mind. Champion her dreams. Be faithful to her, laugh with her, comfort her, and continue choosing her through every season of your lives. If you both do that for one another, you will have built something far stronger than romance alone: a partnership capable of weathering the storms that inevitably come, and a marriage in which both of you can grow old knowing that, whatever else changed around you, you remained on the same side.

Marriage and Lifelong Partnership

I believe traditional marriage, with its complementary roles and shared sense of duty, can provide an exceptionally strong foundation for a lasting relationship. But it is not the only way to build a successful marriage.

A couple may choose to share financial responsibilities, household duties and decision-making equally, and there is no reason why such an arrangement cannot work. What matters is that both people genuinely want the same kind of relationship, respect one another’s contributions and are prepared to fulfil their responsibilities. The arrangement itself is less important than the commitment of the two people who choose it.

But let us be realistic. Keeping a relationship, let alone a marriage, alive today is not always easy. I believe modern marriage presents considerable difficulties, and I would never encourage you to underestimate them. Even with the right person, building a lasting relationship requires two people of good character who are willing to work through disagreements, forgive mistakes and remain committed when life becomes difficult. Love and attraction may bring you together, but they will not, by themselves, keep you together.

I also believe that too many people marry for sentimental reasons, because it is expected of them or because they imagine that marriage will somehow strengthen a relationship that is already uncertain. Personally, I would rather see you build a strong, loving and lasting relationship without marrying than enter a marriage simply for the sake of it. Indeed, given my concerns about modern marriage, I believe you may be better off remaining unmarried. But that is my judgement, not a decision I can or should make for you.

Ultimately, whether you marry or not, the principles of a successful lifelong partnership remain much the same: loyalty, honesty, mutual respect, communication, forgiveness, sacrifice and a shared sense of responsibility. You must both be willing to contribute, to support one another and to put the relationship ahead of selfish interests when necessary. Neither of you should be expected to carry the burden alone.

My advice is to concentrate on finding the right woman and building the right relationship. If marriage is something you both genuinely want, and you understand what it involves, then make that commitment with confidence. If you prefer to remain unmarried, there is nothing wrong with that either. What matters is not whether you are married, but whether you have built a relationship worth keeping.